seldom see in nature films when predators make a kill is that the devouring starts before
the prey expires. I AM BEING EATEN ALIVE IN ABSENTIA! For which I have no rational
explanation. How can decomposed nerve-ends flinch and cringe and writhe in memory of
everything from coyote molars to maggot maws? I CAN'T STAND IT! I CAN'T ENDURE ANOTHER MINUTE,
MUCH LESS ANOTHER HOUR—an admission I've been SHRIEKING for longer than humanly possible... than
'humanely' conscionable, if my suffering is meant to appease some judgmental God.
I'm not exaggerating; think of bee stings or pulverized
funny-bones NONSTOP! Every single inch of my miserable missing-person ACHES! Is that
Divine Justice? A demented dentist would show a sinner more mercy. Okay; it could be
argued all my wounds were self-inflicted. I strapped myself into that half-ass hang
glider, hurled myself—I admit it—over the abyss, took matters into my
own hands under the assumption that death was a private matter; so sue me. I
was mistaken. What am I expected to do about it; apologize? To whom? I’m my
attendee—no mourners, not even a search party. Which seems rather odd. I mean, beyond
the obvious nonsense of this 'grave' commentary, certain actualities dont add up.
For example, how is it I've seen not a solitary soul since singing my swan's song? I
chose this section of the canyon for its remoteness, true, but my Datsun is still up there
on the rim—with its key in the ignition, so I suppose some Havasupai is thanking his
THERE IS NO PRETENDING THE HORRORS NOW HAPPENING AREN'T REAL; picture a
beak thrust into your ribcage to extract a crop-full of lung, or the acid-gnaw of grubs
invading your small intestine; NOT PLEASANT!
I did have the courtesy to write dear Yayuk a note, in a
post-dated letter, which she should have gotten LONG ago. Instructions notwithstanding,
wouldn't she try to head me off at the pass? Not a sign of her. Which is inconceivable;
Yayuk Widyani Kertanegara Lazarus would never let her hubby die by
himself... nor 'be' by himself, allow me even a moment to spend unaccompanied—an
enormous bone of contention on our trek through Malawi.
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